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Aging Parents

Cyclonepride said:
Speaking of aging parents....

Last night, my uncle called and then texted (while I was in the shower) saying that my dad was dazed and confused, and needed to go to the hospital right away. Sent the same messages to my sister. My sister called and got ahold of my wife so she could let me know (I live three blocks from him, she's a half hour away), as he wasn't answering the phone. I thought it was really odd, as my son was over at his house mowing, so I figured he would have called if anything was up.

At any rate, I grabbed everything I could think of and ran out of the house. Before I got there, my brother in law called to say it was a joke :mad:. My uncle was referring to a phone call he had with my dad where my dad (a Packer fan) said he might have to start rooting for the Bears (who my uncle likes) because they drafted Montgomery. Worst ******* joke ever. Especially by text.
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So, update to the story- it turns out that my uncle was doing other things that were out of character, and missed a get together with my aunt. They went over to find him, and he was confused and couldn't remember anything about that day. They took him to the hospital, and it sounds like he may have had a mini stroke. It makes sense now, but we went from mad to sad. Glad I didn't call and chew him out.
 
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Cyclonepride said:
So, update to the story- it turns out that my uncle was doing other things that were out of character, and missed a get together with my aunt. They went over to find him, and he was confused and couldn't remember anything about that day. They took him to the hospital, and it sounds like he may have had a mini stroke. It makes sense now, but we went from mad to sad. Glad I didn't call and chew him out.
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Wow. What a mixture of emotions you guys have gone through!
 
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I'm now old enough to have sadly gone down this road several times. A few points to consider:
- The first year of assisted living is the highest risk of death.
- Not knowing your surroundings is downright frightening. And for people with dimentia it's not something easily circumvented.
- Visit frequently!
- Hopefully a 'living will' is in place. Otherwise the tendency to want to keep them alive is more selfish than humane.
I wish you the very best. This is never any easy decision.
 
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I was talking to my mother yesterday, who is 86, and it sounds like assisted living isn't too far down the road. It sounds like if she had no money at all, she would just go to on Medicaid. She makes around $2,000/month between social security and a pension and has around $40k in savings and no debt. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Recommendations?

She is currently living in a senior apartment(unassisted) for $650/month.
 
dmclone said:
I was talking to my mother yesterday, who is 86, and it sounds like assisted living isn't too far down the road. It sounds like if she had no money at all, she would just go to on Medicaid. She makes around $2,000/month between social security and a pension and has around $40k in savings and no debt. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Recommendations?

She is currently living in a senior apartment(unassisted) for $650/month.
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From what I've heard Medicaid does not pay towards assisted living, I could be way off, just what I've been told. They will step in for nursing home but not assisted living is what I understand.

2k is that amount where it is hard to save much while also being able to do most things that you want. You can basically become a hermit and save money, but that wouldn't be much living.

My mom picked up long term care insurance several years ago. It now would pay for 100/day in any environment. While not eveything it will pay a chunk. It also pays for assisted living.
 
So after 2 cousins a brother and my wife all took a week out of their lives to go help, my dad and his wife have gotten rid of so much stuff, and have organized what's left, that they have....wait for it....

decided NOT to move to the apartment. They will instead, stay in the cottage and have home visit help... Something dad's wife adamantly opposed at the start of all this....

All any of us want is for them to be happy and safe.... If this is the choice then I'm fine with it.... but I'll worry more about them...


All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms;
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin’d,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav’d, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
 
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JusHappy2BeHere said:
So after 2 cousins a brother and my wife all took a week out of their lives to go help, my dad and his wife have gotten rid of so much stuff, and have organized what's left, that they have....wait for it....

decided NOT to move to the apartment. They will instead, stay in the cottage and have home visit help... Something dad's wife adamantly opposed at the start of all this....

All any of us want is for them to be happy and safe.... If this is the choice then I'm fine with it.... but I'll worry more about them...


All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms;
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin’d,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper’d pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav’d, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
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No matter what you say or do, or how much you worry, in the end it has to be their decision. It's SO tough for them to give up what remains of their independence. I'm grateful Daddy finally came to that decision. I hope your parents will eventually change their minds as well.
 
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Could really use some honest advice on this one, especially if someone has experienced it: What do you do when your in-laws don't want to be in assisted living or a home, and instead (wait for it) want to live with you???
 
exCYtable said:
Could really use some honest advice on this one, especially if someone has experienced it: What do you do when your in-laws don't want to be in assisted living or a home, and instead (wait for it) want to live with you???
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They need “the talk”.
 
exCYtable said:
Could really use some honest advice on this one, especially if someone has experienced it: What do you do when your in-laws don't want to be in assisted living or a home, and instead (wait for it) want to live with you???
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Downsize your house. "Sorry no rooms"
 
exCYtable said:
Could really use some honest advice on this one, especially if someone has experienced it: What do you do when your in-laws don't want to be in assisted living or a home, and instead (wait for it) want to live with you???
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My Grandmother lived with us the last 6 months of her life and I still treasure those memories 40 years later. Nothing wrong with it and believe more families should consider both from an economic and emotional standpoint.

They don’t necessarily have to be in the same house. Could be as simple as an apartment just down the road so you can check on them.

The exception for me is if they have advanced Dementia or Alzheimer’s .
 
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exCYtable said:
Could really use some honest advice on this one, especially if someone has experienced it: What do you do when your in-laws don't want to be in assisted living or a home, and instead (wait for it) want to live with you???
Click to expand...

I’m guessing you’ll be doing whatever your wife decides.
 
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exCYtable said:
Could really use some honest advice on this one, especially if someone has experienced it: What do you do when your in-laws don't want to be in assisted living or a home, and instead (wait for it) want to live with you???
Click to expand...

That's a tough one could you possibly move them somewhere closer to you and make it work? Do you or they have the resources to build them a small apartment/house near you or on your property.

A plus could be your kids will get to see their grandparents more (unless they are already out on their own.) Good luck with this conundrum. I'm the oldest and live the closest so I just have kind of picked up the slack of helping my folks when need be. But I'm really fortunate that if I'm busy my siblings have been great about helping out when needed.

Life runs full circle but it seems weird when you have to do the helping instead of just knowing you parents/inlaws can do it on their own.
 
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exCYtable said:
Could really use some honest advice on this one, especially if someone has experienced it: What do you do when your in-laws don't want to be in assisted living or a home, and instead (wait for it) want to live with you???
Click to expand...

This just leads to a more questions for me maybe because I'm nosy or maybe because answers would change my response to the situation.
-What heritage/ethnicity/culture are your inlaws?
-What did they do for thier parents?
-Can they add value to your home by watch grandkids, paying you, doing chores?
-Would one of you have to give up your job/career to daily care for the inlaws?
How much care do they need?

Looking back these are a few question to begin to consider.
 
CivEFootball said:
This just leads to a more questions for me maybe because I'm nosy or maybe because answers would change my response to the situation.
-What heritage/ethnicity/culture are your inlaws?
-What did they do for thier parents?
-Can they add value to your home by watch grandkids, paying you, doing chores?
-Would one of you have to give up your job/career to daily care for the inlaws?
How much care do they need?

Looking back these are a few question to begin to consider.
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Yeah for other cultures it can be many family members living in the same home and it's common place to bring in the elders, (and have MUCH respect for them as well).
 
NWICY said:
That's a tough one could you possibly move them somewhere closer to you and make it work? Do you or they have the resources to build them a small apartment/house near you or on your property.

A plus could be your kids will get to see their grandparents more (unless they are already out on their own.) Good luck with this conundrum. I'm the oldest and live the closest so I just have kind of picked up the slack of helping my folks when need be. But I'm really fortunate that if I'm busy my siblings have been great about helping out when needed.

Life runs full circle but it seems weird when you have to do the helping instead of just knowing you parents/inlaws can do it on their own.
Click to expand...
My sister had my mom move closer to her to take care of her. I'm afraid my in-laws will end up with my wife's brother since he has a big enough house, but I'm really concerned about how his wife and (to a lesser extent) he will treat them. I would rather we do it.
 
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