Glad they caught stuff and working forward. Third stroke, are you on blood thinners?
Why is life worth living?
- Thread starter Jeremy
- Start date
Post #17 of every thread should be a boobs post. For therapeutic reasons.Exhibit A
This is what made it so hard for me to figure out. I had a ton of physical problems and I had a thousand tests run. It took me 2 months and 10 doctors to figure out my brain was doing all this stuff to my body. It came on so slow that when I cracked I didn't understand what was happening.
A little frustrating that not one ER doc, brain doc or heart doc didn't suggest that my issues were a result of stress and anxiety.
@Jeremy, just wanted to thank you for being courageous enough to talk about your struggles. Our daughter deals with severe anxiety and to be honest for those dealing with it on the level she does, there aren't a whole lot of therapies that work well. But what she has found is that talking with someone she knows is not there to judge her, to just get it out of her own head at times, does help. And that is sort of what you are doing here, to your credit. It also help to hear that others around you that you know deal with the same stuff as well, so many thanks to CFers who also shared what they go through every day.
Jebus I never went over 190/120. Thats crazy, I have been on Lisinopril for years now. It has helped me I am right around 120/86.
Praying for your full and speedy recovery.
Yes that mental affecting physical: I was feeling that there was something wrong with my body everyday. I started developing globus histericus, had twitches in my body and I thought I had ALS and the more worried and anxious I was, the worse my physical situation became - so that’s what I called feeding the beast.
Once I controlled my anxiety, the symptoms magically disappeared.
I second this @Jeremy opening up like that takes guts. And I hope your current health issues from today smooth out.
I'm sure I have anxiety and probably depression, just undiagnosed. When I was a kid I had hyperactivity disorder and for a short while was put on Ritalin. This was the mid-70s, so I'm pretty sure the science was still being figured out and dosages were a big problem, but my mom took me off of it because it apparently turned me into, as she put it, a "ghost". Ever since I've been reluctant to medicate myself, probably stupidly because I know there are a lot of benefits. Both of our daughters have been on meds for anxiety and depression, and even today getting the dosages right and the side effects can be very real problems, we've had some really serious instances to deal with and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
A big thing for me is sleep. I wake up regularly in the middle of the night. Then at 3 am trying to fall back asleep is awful because it's black and silent and I'm alone with everything that's stressing me out and I spiral. I'm a guy who immediately assumes the worst. If I have a weird pain in my calf... leg cancer. If there's a problem with one of our cars, the expense is going to render us homeless. It's stupid, but real. So when I wake up in the middle of the night, it all comes crashing in. I've actually dabbled with biphasic sleep a little bit, which is how most people dealt with sleep prior to the industrial revolution. They'd go to bed, wake up in the middle of the night, stay up for an hour or two, then go back to bed for their "second sleep". So I've done this where when I wake up I get out of bed, go downstairs, turn on lights, pour a drink, and watch some TV with the dog for an hour or so. Then I go back to bed.
Back on point, I hope you're able to get things in check and if nothing else, by opening this thread, it should be clear to you that with all of your struggles, you're not alone.
Life is worth living because so many don't get the chance. Lost my wife a little over a year ago after 25 years of glorious marriage, due to cancer. Keep fighting because so many don't get the opportunity. Someone leaving this world causes so much pain for the ones left behind. Thanks for sharing and I know I will try to be kinder to others. As others have stated you have no idea what others are going through and these posts have opened my eyes. I had no idea that this many people are suffering just on this board.
I've been following this thread today and I'd like to offer my two cents. There are alternatives ( Spravato and TMS ) for people with Major Depressive Disorder or suicidal ideology that have been on multiple medications and are medication resistant. There are counseling and therapy options along with medication management options.
I've been working in the Mental Health and Substance Use community for the last six months, and it's been even more eye opening than it was before, about the need for these services. Today, I got choked up, not unusual, when hearing about an unnamed client whose life was changed because of the help/treatment our team was able to provide. These stories happen often and are a rewarding part of my job.
There's nothing wrong with being off or different. Reach out, there's people and services that can not only help you, but legitimately care about you.
I've been working in the Mental Health and Substance Use community for the last six months, and it's been even more eye opening than it was before, about the need for these services. Today, I got choked up, not unusual, when hearing about an unnamed client whose life was changed because of the help/treatment our team was able to provide. These stories happen often and are a rewarding part of my job.
There's nothing wrong with being off or different. Reach out, there's people and services that can not only help you, but legitimately care about you.
Thank you all very much, this has been a great experience.
Please continue to share your stories and don’t forget to reach out to those you know or love and offer help. It can make a world of difference.
Please continue to share your stories and don’t forget to reach out to those you know or love and offer help. It can make a world of difference.
Kids...sometimes the days seemed very long while raising them. Then you discover how short the years with them really are. We have enjoyed them at every phase of their lives (even with some very trying times due to health and life circumstances). And grandkids...having them is even more rewarding. With all the challenges kids face today, being able to provide them support makes it all worth it.
worth a listen if you have time. very insightful stuff.
Also, the field of epigenetic is fascinating and good news for people that are struggling. Basically your genetic code is changeable meaning you can overcome hereditary conditions in some instances. Probably not ADHD, though. You either have it or you don't.
Also, the field of epigenetic is fascinating and good news for people that are struggling. Basically your genetic code is changeable meaning you can overcome hereditary conditions in some instances. Probably not ADHD, though. You either have it or you don't.
I lost my father around the same age and it really messed me up for a long time as we were very close. I felt weak and guilty about that because I knew many lost theirs a lot younger. I finally went into therapy about four years ago (I’m in my early 50’s) and it has helped a ton. I still see my therapist off and on.
I greatly admire you for sharing your story Jeremy and being vulnerable. Parts of it are almost identical to mine. I suffer from PTSD and depression and have a history of mental illness on my mother’s side. Watching my daughter develop those same symptoms of bipolar disorder as my mother has been extremely difficult for me. I am thankful she is getting help as my mother never followed through and made the rest of us suffer. Your post should remind us that we need to be supportive of each on here because none of us really know what we are really going through. Some people on here are really cruel to each other, especially in political forums. Before we hit that reply button, we need to remind ourselves that most of us are struggling to survive and battling our issues too. Kindness goes a long way.If you come here just for sports topics, I apologize in advance, but feel free to hit the back button as this is a different sort of post - and lengthy. If somebody finds it offensive, just report it and I'll remove it. If it's too long, I'm sorry.
Since I'm one of the very few members that is NOT anonymous, I was going to post this under a new account. However, I've gotten to understand I am the ****** up person I am so it doesn't matter if my name is attached to it - be proud of who you are. Hell, I was doxxed with house pictures, tax info, etc the 1st or 2nd year of CF and much worse since. Instead, despite putting more out there about myself than I'd normally like, my hope is maybe a single person somewhere will better understand a loved one, friend or colleague that is challenged and encourage them to seek help if they haven't in the past.
Please understand that while I have to put my story below to convey anything, this isn't a pity party or anything where I'm seeking support. I've had that for 15 years since CF started. This is hopefully to open eyes for somebody else's story to have a good ending and for others to take a chance to tell their story if they so desire.
Most days I wake up dreading the fact that I woke up, but not in the Monday morning work way. Too many times over the years it was predetermined that I wasn't going to, even very recently. Listen to Ghost by Badflower and you'll understand.
Like many people, I suffer from mental health issues - unfortunately something that impacts a lot of people every day.
For me individually, it's a toxic brew of 24/7, chronic anxiety, depression, OCD, and ADHD. I've lived with each forever and each one is it's own beast - together they're a nearly crippling and debilitating pain that I can't begin to describe. Unfortunately, I've been on every conceivable mix of about 30 different medicines - even trials - and they really only take the roughest corners off. Every minute I'm worrying to a near panic attack, doing ruminitions in my head, thinking about problems that need to be solved right now, feeling intense weight on my shoulders, and just hating life.
Because of or as part of my issues, I also have an extreme case of "inner monologue" - where your mind doesn't stop talking and thinking for a second, but magnified with about 4 parallel and intersecting streams. Every conversation I have in a day I play over and over in my mind, second guessing why I did or didn't say something, or how I'm going to handle it, or what about this scenario, etc. It creates a photographic memory, but at a high overhead cost. There is not a second of peace or quiet, it is constant and it's loud - I can be exhausted and literally have my eyes closed on the pillow for 6 hours trying to fall asleep every night to no avail. I thought that's how everybody was wired for the longest time, but I've since understood why people with mental health issues occasionally also have it, and why my wife and I sleep on different floors.
A day at work is filled with solving critical system or process issues, planning, roadmapping, and doing business and technical architecture of varying varieties. But what you don't see is that it's also filled with endless streams of worry, double checking, avoiding social situations when possible, picking up every critical issue to avoid something failing, overcommitting to make people above look good, being exhausted by working 2-3 people worth of work at 70-80 hrs/wk, etc. All because the mind says everybody has to be happy, everything has to be successful, every project needs to get done perfectly, and every plan needs a solution - or else. Everything has a stress point, everything is anxiety, and everything has a consequence. If you truly know how OCD works, you'll understand why it's brutal when mixed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. It's a truly evil bastard.
I'm introverted and you'd never know any of the above by just looking at me or talking with me or working with me day-to-day. I don't have friends, I don't even know the names of my neighbors of 8 years. My phone has my immediate family, current colleagues for work emergencies, and ISU coaches/players/donors whom we know nothing about each other. There are a few others I've met here but I don't return their texts or calls. People ask me to do things and I never respond. I screen all calls, even of people I look up to and respect. I've never been to a party or "gone out for drinks". My mind just won't let me go there - and believe me, I've tried.
I was finally diagnosed with some of the above in my middle school years and the rest as a teenager, though standard Dr had already determined it. It was first very obvious to others when I got hives when invited to watch a movie with some people and then developed ulcers in my throat from the immense stress - I still get them all the time. At the same time I started medicine around age 10-ish, I tried my first therapist. That went on for a while but was finally told therapy just wasn't going to work for me. I've seen 4 or 5 really good doctors over the years and all have said the same thing after a while of intense effort. And it makes sense. Therapy works wonders for some people - and I'd encourage everybody to try it - but more when it comes to getting to understand the why, the how, or the way to handle something, scenarios, etc. There are certain situations or people it just isn't effective on for whatever reason, despite CBT or any other variation, unfortunately.
With that said, I'm a big believer that my challenges are actually what make me very effective and efficient at my profession. I'm the hardest, most dedicated worker you'll find. I can design technical and business solutions incredibly quickly and with great complexity. I can understand things quicker than Fran's face can turn red. It's also, I believe, why I'm a caring and supportive person (though I do play a good jerk online) - but also a helicopter parent. But the good isn't something my brain can focus on and outside of writing that paragraph, I will self deprecate (not defecate) in every conversation about me.
I won't go into details about my children on here other than to say; Every day I feel intense despair seeing my two amazing children show signs and symptoms of many of my issues. They're mini-mes, just with hair and less to process right now. As they age and encounter various firsts, classes, stresses, etc, it gets harder and more painful every single day. I'm here because I need to help them find ways to better handle life than I have. I need to protect and provide them with the tools and ways to cope. They are the single reason I wake up every morning and hope I do for a long time. But, I'd be lying if I made a promise because each day is a battle in a never-ending war. We never know what tomorrow brings.
As you would guess if you've paid attention, I've reread and changed this probably 60 times over the past 4 hours. And, I'll be thinking about it for the next 24 hours second guessing every damn piece of it why I toss and turn wondering why I can't sleep
This is the important part...
While this is part of my story, it is just a starting point, hopefully an opportunity for you or somebody in your life to start the same process I did 30 years ago to seek help. Unfortunately, it will never be a cure. There's no magic pill that makes us all better. Medicine might smooth out the rollercoaster and therapy might work wonders. You have to try everything or you've already failed, and failure only leads one place. I might not be here by the time you get to reading this, but there has to be an attempt.
If you think somebody is struggling - young or old - reach out to them and have an open conversation. Help them when they don't even know they need help. Don't worry about offending somebody. Don't think you're intruding. Be ok that you might open a door you can't close. That's ok if it means at least one person starts the process.
So sorry to hear this, Jeremy. Is it too soon to joke about the stress of the basketball game last night? 
Yes, since right now my very prelim and hypothetical diagnosis is a possible TIA Stroke yesterday and 2 heart events here at the hospital last nightSo sorry to hear this, Jeremy. Is it too soon to joke about the stress of the basketball game last night?
. And this place is boring as heck, at least when I finally get transported from Meth West to Meth downtown later I get to hear sirens.Timing on this thread might not have been the greatest.
Wishing the best for you, at least the monotony and ability to sleep will be broken up by nurses taking vitals, etc.Yes, since right now my very prelim and hypothetical diagnosis is a possible TIA Stroke yesterday and 2 heart events here at the hospital last night
Timing on this thread might not have been the greatest.