I've decided that since I'm struggling mentally today and some of my struggles and stories seem to regularly reverberate through my head that it is time that I type some of it out in this forum. Part of me doesn't even know where to start, what to type, or if any of it will make sense and help. There is a lot that spins through my head and I've made progress, but I feel like many of you, bouts of anxiety and depression have taken over. I feel like I've pushed away some or most of the depression and anxiety, but at times it creeps back in occasionally. I've been through therapy, some meds, and part of me just wonders if I blow this stuff up way out of proportion and let it get to me when I shouldn't. I often also worry about what others think of this all when I go over it.
Coming up this summer, it'll be 2 years when the start of the issues really began. Obviously, during some of this time, the pandemic was still going on, so it maybe could have exacerbated or had some effect into the start of underlying issues. My son was born winter of 2020 so having a child during this time did make things tough at times with it being our first child. At first I took it on with confidence. But, I know after awhile I struggled with many things with being a dad, including not helping enough in some areas and my wife being frustrated with me because of that and my selfish tendencies often lead to problems. She has repeatedly voiced her side many times. The guilt and shame does set in.
Also, another big part that lead to issues; in early 2021 I saw many people having success with trading stocks. I too, wanted to be a part of it. I did have some success after some up and down moments and got a little addicted to it at times. I found this discord trading group on twitter and followed advice and suggestions from it, which it provided and had a lot of research and information that was all pretty interesting. A side note, I've always have had certain conspiracies in the back of my head and sometimes go down those rabbit holes at different periods of my life where I dig into information provided. This was one of them. Through that period I was seeing symbolism throughout twitter and in that trading app too that really affected me mentally. Comments were made about selling a piece of our soul with the extensive diligence provided and some other statements made that just didn't sit well with me that kind of aligned with evil, maybe they were jokes, but in my head they didn't seem like it. I started thinking about the illuminati (yes I know what you're thinking) and something lead me to believe that because I became involved with this group that I was attached in a very wrong way. I left the group, deleted the app and when I deleted the app there was a weird message that was sent to my email. It said, are you sure you want to do this, we do not recommend it. Because of conspiracies I thought maybe someone was coming for me and my family. I became scared. The stress and anxiety increased 10 fold and built up day after day. Then one night, I woke up with like a gasp and experienced what seemed like something leaving my body as like an outer body experience. This dark cloud hovered over my body and would float around. My mind would freak out, wander, and I would get out of bed and pace around the house. I wouldn't say I'm the most faith based, but I believe in God and want to believe that He exists, but I don't consider myself the best person and have a lot of wrongdoings in my life. I started convincing myself this was religious based and my past was coming back to haunt me. I would pray, cry, shout out that I thought would help. Also during that time, a person on a motorcycle kept coming around to the neighbors and would hang out oddly and rev up the motor repeatedly, I started making weird associations with everything. The associations started taking over and I felt crazy. My body seemed to be changing, or so I thought. I was starting to wonder if my hands changed, feet too because I kept having pains and cramping throughout. I would experience pulses, rapid heartbeat, ringing in the ears and different pressures throughout my body. The worst associations I made were several places I would go, lights would flicker and I'd go back and forth in my head what they meant. Actions by people and statements by people. The weirdest thing was I was at a bachelor party in the Ozarks and this guy and I got into a talk and he made the comment about faith saying if you have a relationship with God, you just ask the big man upstairs about what it is you want and you ask and thou shall receive. He said, "can we get a little wind." Boom, a wind started blowing in and the docks started rocking. One of the crazier things I've experienced during that time. For a time, I couldn't sleep very well because night after night, I would still see this dark cloud come out during my awake period. At times, it felt like it was entering me through my nose because I would feel this wave of air. I know our brain can play tricks on us, but to me it felt so real and scary. I know psychology has topics of psychosomatic and how our nerves play a factor. There were many times I was convinced I was evil and had an evil presence about me and this was karma coming back to get me. I had wrongdoings in my life that I convinced myself if I tried to make some right that it would help. It kind of made things worse for me, which I place on myself making things worse.
Other things I was experiencing was the struggle of work. I would start going in circles with my job about my work not really adding up, confusing myself and then struggling to get it done. It made days go by so slow and was very stressful. I think it was just the year we had and how it was different and difficult, an odd coincidence.
I started going to therapy to work through it. Battles of depression and anxiety were apparent. It helped for a great deal of it, but there was some stuff I couldn't get passed. I took medication for a period of time. I didn't really like the way it made me felt. 2-3 different medications for probably 10 months maybe. I talked with a pastor once or twice to visit on this stuff just to see if any of it made sense. Over that time, my wife, family and a couple friends became worried about me. It hasn't been easy. With time, I slowly started to build a little confidence and really tried to work on myself to be more positive, more selfless, working on being a better dad, husband and person altogether. I am trying to eliminate toxic things in my life. This journey has been scary, tiring, daunting. Through it I didn't want to be around people at times. My parents and I haven't gotten along. I feel like there are days where I'm just trying to get by. The last month or two, I've had a lot better days than not. I know a lot of people have their issues and I have been more empathetic towards mental health, because I know many have struggles. So if you read all of that and cast no judgement, thank you. There's even stuff I left out.
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