Planning to be a grandparent

[Pope]

Child care expenses can be crippling for young married couples so my wife and I provide full time day care for our daughter's little girl and before/after school care for our son's 2 kids.

Yes, it takes away some of our freedom, but it we get to have very close relationships with our grandkids and provide desperately needed help to our children and their spouses.

As we've reached the retirement stage, helping our kids and our grandkids is the most important thing in our lives.

 

[CQISU]

Not a grandparent, but I am constantly telling my parents and in laws to spend money on the kids via experiences vs another toy in our house. Take them to zoo, mini golf, out for ice cream, movie etc. Do something and make a memory.

My kids are pretty young but they have no clue who gave them money or what toy. But my daughter still talks about a trip to zoo with family.

 

[BCClone]

Not a grandparent, but I am constantly telling my parents and in laws to spend money on the kids via experiences vs another toy in our house. Take them to zoo, mini golf, out for ice cream, movie etc. Do something and make a memory.

My kids are pretty young but they have no clue who gave them money or what toy. But my daughter still talks about a trip to zoo with family.

Kids remember experiences way more than any gift they got.

 

[RLD4ISU]

Go straight to grandchildren...it's a lot easier.

My Dad would say "If I'd known grandchildren were this great, I would've had them first!"

 

[JP4CY]

Not a grandparent, but I am constantly telling my parents and in laws to spend money on the kids via experiences vs another toy in our house. Take them to zoo, mini golf, out for ice cream, movie etc. Do something and make a memory.

My kids are pretty young but they have no clue who gave them money or what toy. But my daughter still talks about a trip to zoo with family.

Kids love zoos. Ours also likes the Science Center because of hands on stuff.

 

[carvers4math]

Kids remember experiences way more than any gift they got.

This is a bit of a two-edged sword. They remember good and bad experiences. And it does not need to be some great trip to the amusement park to be memorable.

As much as I despise my MIL, I would never say anything bad about her to my kids. But they noticed things on their own. Since she had my husband when she was barely 20 and my parents had me when they were over 40, my parents were always the old grandparents. My mother had spent one of those awful rainy cold April days when they try to play Little League games at the ballpark watching my two oldest play through multiple rain delays about nine months before she died. Fast forward a year, and my MIL comes to visit. She spent most of her time shopping for her other grandkids and helping my husband’s brother work on his house. She was at our house when it was time for the oldest boy’s game and he asked if she was going. No, she had some shopping to do. After the game, my son wondered if his grandma didn’t come to his game because she didn’t like him, and brought up his other grandma coming with her cane in the rain and this game was even sunny. I muttered something about my mom liking baseball and maybe his other grandma didn’t but he knew the score.

My father’s parents died before I was born so I only knew one set of grandparents. While I know they took me to an amusement park from pictures, I don’t remember it. I do remember my grandpa taking me on his morning routine. We would walk two or three blocks to a little business area. He would stop at the bank, stop in the drugstore and get a newspaper, and stop at the bakery. When we visited, he always bought these vanilla layer cakes with too much frosting that I didn’t like, but would pretend I did cause it made him happy. But I also remember my grandma giving me my first Barbie when I was 5 and needed surgery. All my other dolls were hand me downs but she gave me that doll when I was scared and they had to pry it away from me when they put me under.

So I guess this is my long winded way of saying be part of your grandchild’s life, that is what they will remember. If distance is a problem, Zoom them regularly and find out what is going on in their lives that is important to them. Know them well enough to know how to support them and show them through your actions that you love them wholeheartedly. Never play favorites with them.

 

[BCClone]

This is a bit of a two-edged sword. They remember good and bad experiences. And it does not need to be some great trip to the amusement park to be memorable.

As much as I despise my MIL, I would never say anything bad about her to my kids. But they noticed things on their own. Since she had my husband when she was barely 20 and my parents had me when they were over 40, my parents were always the old grandparents. My mother had spent one of those awful rainy cold April days when they try to play Little League games at the ballpark watching my two oldest play through multiple rain delays about nine months before she died. Fast forward a year, and my MIL comes to visit. She spent most of her time shopping for her other grandkids and helping my husband’s brother work on his house. She was at our house when it was time for the oldest boy’s game and he asked if she was going. No, she had some shopping to do. After the game, my son wondered if his grandma didn’t come to his game because she didn’t like him, and brought up his other grandma coming with her cane in the rain and this game was even sunny. I muttered something about my mom liking baseball and maybe his other grandma didn’t but he knew the score.

My father’s parents died before I was born so I only knew one set of grandparents. While I know they took me to an amusement park from pictures, I don’t remember it. I do remember my grandpa taking me on his morning routine. We would walk two or three blocks to a little business area. He would stop at the bank, stop in the drugstore and get a newspaper, and stop at the bakery. When we visited, he always bought these vanilla layer cakes with too much frosting that I didn’t like, but would pretend I did cause it made him happy. But I also remember my grandma giving me my first Barbie when I was 5 and needed surgery. All my other dolls were hand me downs but she gave me that doll when I was scared and they had to pry it away from me when they put me under.

So I guess this is my long winded way of saying be part of your grandchild’s life, that is what they will remember. If distance is a problem, Zoom them regularly and find out what is going on in their lives that is important to them. Know them well enough to know how to support them and show them through your actions that you love them wholeheartedly. Never play favorites with them.

I agree. My dad passed months after we were married. My folks were 40 when I was born and 70 when our oldest was. My kids always felt a little closer to my mom even though my MIL watched them for daycare. My FIL made it apparent who he liked more. He would travel a couple hours to watch one set of kids play basketball but would not go 45 minutes to watch my oldest wrestle. He left one of his wrestling meets to watch the other play basketball once. Even though my mom has passed, my kids still talk about my mom more than the one grandparent who is still alive.

 

[RLD4ISU]

Not a grandparent and not sure if I ever will be. But things I've learned over the years from my own experience as a grandchild, then a parent and now a great-aunt.

Don't forget what you liked/disliked as a parent. Respect the parents and their choices for raising the children. Be cautious with giving "advice". Unsolicited feedback is just that - unsolicited. It's not always welcome or constructive.

Don't forget what it was like for you to pack up your kids to go somewhere. Go to see them - don't always expect them to come see you.

IMO the most precious gift anyone can give is your time. Make memories. Take them on vacation or just have a staycation. Sit outside watching the stars. Do things with them. If you have a hobby or skill and they take interest, take the time to let them try it. Take LOTS of pictures. Those will be treasured (be sure to document the date, location and who is in the picture, though!)

I remember watching one grandma bake pies and cakes. She'd give us our own pie crust and let us make cinnamon and sugar pies. She made cakes for weddings, graduations, etc. and while she frosted those, she'd give us some frosting and let us practice making rosebuds or roses. My other set of grandparents still had some of my Mom and aunt's things. I thought it was so cool to use their old scooter and roller skates in the driveway. Usually snacks while we were there would be grape juice and Ritz crackers. As a special treat, she'd make saltines with frosting. I can remember sitting in her lap or next to her while she read to us. My other grandmother would rock us and sing to us. My grandparents were alive until after my boys graduated high school. When my boys were in youth football, my grandparents would occasionally drive 2+ hours to watch them play football. Later on they were no longer physically able to do that.

 

[wxman1]

If you are retired and are willing offer to take them a day or two a week to help with childcare expenses. Same goes with pickup/dropoff etc. and ease of life.

Overall though ask to do things with the kids even if it is just sleepovers. My in-laws do that from time to time and both the kids and we love it. My parents on the other hand only do something when we ask them to/for help.

 

[SouthJerseyCy]

All good advice here. I'd throw one bit of caution to try and avoid what we've been hit with. We find managing the parents (our daughter and husband) much more difficult than the grandkids. They act like they are the worlds greatest parents to the outside world, but they rely on us for everything. I love my grandsons more than anything (only had daughters myself, so boys are fun), but they are over every...single...day. Often with little or no notice. It's gotten to the point where the oldest (3) will say he doesn't want to go to 'mommy's' house and wants to stay with Grammy and Grampy. The other Grandmom is "difficult" and they have basically cut her out of the kids lives, which I have a real problem with also, but apparently I don't understand how terrible she is!? So that leaves everything to us. We try to make 'fun' memories with them, but we've also become responsible for much of the day to day raising and disciplining of the kids. Don't fall into this trap!

If anything, I was 180 degrees in the opposite direction when we had our kids...and not in a good way either. I felt we were responsible for their upbringing and too often refused to ask for help. And perhaps that is most of my issue in that I have difficulty reconciling these points of view.

 

[cowgirl836]

All good advice here. I'd throw one bit of caution to try and avoid what we've been hit with. We find managing the parents (our daughter and husband) much more difficult than the grandkids. They act like they are the worlds greatest parents to the outside world, but they rely on us for everything. I love my grandsons more than anything (only had daughters myself, so boys are fun), but they are over every...single...day. Often with little or no notice. It's gotten to the point where the oldest (3) will say he doesn't want to go to 'mommy's' house and wants to stay with Grammy and Grampy. The other Grandmom is "difficult" and they have basically cut her out of the kids lives, which I have a real problem with also, but apparently I don't understand how terrible she is!? So that leaves everything to us. We try to make 'fun' memories with them, but we've also become responsible for much of the day to day raising and disciplining of the kids. Don't fall into this trap!

If anything, I was 180 degrees in the opposite direction when we had our kids...and not in a good way either. I felt we were responsible for their upbringing and too often refused to ask for help. And perhaps that is most of my issue in that I have difficulty reconciling these points of view.

I understand helping out but man that feels unfair. You already raised your kids. Shouldn't be expected to be raising grandkids as well. I see this a bit in my own family when siblings live close to parents. They become a bit entitled to grandma's time instead of remembering she's retired and just because she has nothing planned doesn't make her an automatic babysitter.

 

[wxman1]

All good advice here. I'd throw one bit of caution to try and avoid what we've been hit with. We find managing the parents (our daughter and husband) much more difficult than the grandkids. They act like they are the worlds greatest parents to the outside world, but they rely on us for everything. I love my grandsons more than anything (only had daughters myself, so boys are fun), but they are over every...single...day. Often with little or no notice. It's gotten to the point where the oldest (3) will say he doesn't want to go to 'mommy's' house and wants to stay with Grammy and Grampy. The other Grandmom is "difficult" and they have basically cut her out of the kids lives, which I have a real problem with also, but apparently I don't understand how terrible she is!? So that leaves everything to us. We try to make 'fun' memories with them, but we've also become responsible for much of the day to day raising and disciplining of the kids. Don't fall into this trap!

If anything, I was 180 degrees in the opposite direction when we had our kids...and not in a good way either. I felt we were responsible for their upbringing and too often refused to ask for help. And perhaps that is most of my issue in that I have difficulty reconciling these points of view.

To an extent I think it is generational and part of the grandparent's upbringing and own parenting. My parents are generally always willing to help if it fit's in their schedule, but outside of emergencies they need several days of notice (even though they are retired and can do anything anytime but that is another thing) for us to ask. My grandparents were generally always available but never (at least in my memory) really reached out to ask my parents if they could have the kids over or do xyz with us.

Compare that with my MIL whose parent's were very involved in my wife and her siblings lives and my MIL strives to be the same way with my kids including asking for sleepovers etc.

By no means do they live either place but on average our kids see each side1-2 days a week.

 

[TitanClone]

If it's an option look to plan regular trips from you down. My family on 1 side only has 6 total grand kids and we went on a lot of trips to Colorado, the Black Hills, Yellowstone etc... every other year or so. Renting a house for a week made a ton of memories and everyone could do their own thing during the day and just hang out at night playing cards and what not.