Teams
Forum List
Toggle sidebar

OT: Advice (Long?)

Funny thing is, I thought I wanted my girlfriend back so bad at the time. But then I started doing the things I mentioned above like doing my own thing, going out, etc. And when my ex finally came around and wanted me back because she knew I was doing just fine without her, I had already met someone else who was perfect for me. We’ve been together since. Happily married too.

Hang in there, and good luck.
Click to expand...

Therein lies my predicament. I have started to do my own thing. I'm not doing anything for her at this point. She knows this, that's why she says that she wants to get back together. However, I feel like I'm just being toyed with; and that if she really does want to work this all out, she'll do it. I'm just tired of that feeling. I'm thinking about giving her an ultimatum at this point because I'm at such a loss for what to really do with myself. I don't do things I don't want to, but I feel that if I just sit on my hands anymore about this I'm going to lose it and tell her to just **** off, because she's toying with my feelings.
 
My man a girl can make a man happier than you ever thought possible and sadder too. They are f'd up creatures. The flowers, poems, etc. aren't going to do the trick. Girls say they want this, but in reality they want someone who could really care less, so being a jerk may to be your advantage as strange as that sounds.

Instead of trying to convince her that you are good enough, live knowing you are and start going on dates and such, make a lot of female friends. Girls are very jealous so if she sees you w/ other females she will want you. Whether you still want her after that is still up in the air.

College is too short to worry so have fun and live your life. Yours in bros before hoes, Max
 
I also agree with Cycloneworld's assessment. The feelings might be strong and intense now b/c you are in the midst of this. That is why doing things for yourself will ultimately provide the most clarity.
 
MaxPower57 said:
My man a girl can make a man happier than you ever thought possible and sadder too. They are f'd up creatures. The flowers, poems, etc. aren't going to do the trick. Girls say they want this, but in reality they want someone who could really care less, so being a jerk may to be your advantage as strange as that sounds.

Instead of trying to convince her that you are good enough, live knowing you are and start going on dates and such, make a lot of female friends. Girls are very jealous so if she sees you w/ other females she will want you. Whether you still want her after that is still up in the air.

College is too short to worry so have fun and live your life. Yours in bros before hoes, Max
Click to expand...

Ok, why as I read through this thread do I keep thinking of the old saying guys = dogs, gals = cats? (No offense intended here either).
 
Wow, this is a tough one. The only advice that I can offer is from my own personal life (and seeing as how much of that is a mess, my opinion should be taken with a truck load of salt...).

I was married to the same woman for 14 years. We had four children together. I will admit that I married her because it was the right thing to do (she was pregnant with my first child). I admit that I took her for granted, didn't pay enough attention to her, always assumed that someday I would be able to give her the affection that she needed, but I never did. One day she said that maybe we should separate, that maybe we should start seeing other people. That was a shock to me. I told her that I needed a few days to process that, and then I got an email from this other guy. He apologized for how he felt about my wife and the feelings that she had for him, he said it was an accident, and swore that nothing physical had ever happened.
I told her it was over right then and there.
Two weekends later I got a hotel room for her so that she could "figure things out. I found out that she spent the weekend with this other guy.

O.k., all of that was a preface to this... I came to my senses, I realized that I couldn't just throw everything away like that and there were four children to consider (plus the fact that I was willing to admit that I was at fault as much as she was). I asked her to work things out with me, I made promises (sincere), vowed to change past behavior (for her; good for you for realizing that you should never change for other people, but for yourself Cyclone62), and began writing her loving notes and being the romantic that I had always wanted to be.
It wasn't enough (or it was too late, either one, but that doesn't matter). The important thing is, a year from now, five years from now, fifty years from now I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and say that, while I may have screwed some things up, I tried to fix it. I will have no regrets about my efforts to repair our relationship. I will not have to beat myself up over the question of "what if?” She made the final decision and that is her problem.
I know that I am at a different point in my life than you are right now. I know that the circumstances that you are dealing with are not the same as the ones that I am dealing with. But when you have the rest of your life in front of you, this moment will only be a blink of the eye compared with the rest of your life. If you love her, give it some time. If she chooses another direction then that is her problem and you can walk away without regret. If she chooses you then this will be proof of your love for each other for the rest of your life.

On a more positive note... Since our separation, I have found someone new. A beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving, caring, fantastic (I'm gushing now), amazing woman that has made me happier than I think I have ever been in my entire life (on top of that, she is a Cyclone fan that followed me to Minneapolis to be at the game between ISU and Georgia a week and a half ago). I guess my point is that it will all work out in the end, but you need to be able to live with your own choices even if you can't control the choices of others.

I hope that helps some. Good luck to you. Feel free to message me if you need to talk about anything.
 
Wow! We all have such similar experiences and yet so different. We have all learned such different lessons. I can not discount or disagree with anything that has been posted here. I just have to go back to what I said at the start of my post... Wow, this is a tough one.

I have said it as part of another thread, but I need to say it once again; Thank goodness for Cyclone fans. We may not always agree on everything, but I am sure that we are among the best people on earth. We respect and help others. Go Cyclones!
 
For some of you that may be thinking that I did the white rose and poems stuff for her instead of myself; that's not why I did it. I did do it for myself, those are things that I always do (I'm a nerdy romantic). I had the poems back-logged, thinking I'd get to them later; giving them to her has actually made me realize that I don't "need" her, but that I do just want to be with her. She knows this as well, which is why I think I may just need to tell her than I'm through trying to deal with it all if she feels she isn't sure. What I want to do and what I feel like I "should" (not want to do) are different. That's why I'm confused. I just don't feel like I can deal with this kind of confusion anymore, which is why I asked for help; to try and clear it up. You guys have helped a bit, but I don't feel like I can wade through this fog of unclarity anymore. She knows what she wants, she just IS afraid that I'll take her for granted again, which is understandable. I just feel like I'm at my wits end. Wow, that felt really good to write.

P.S. I hate literary theory; so I'm not going today. Sorry Sally.
 
You gotta ask yourself, what would Joakim Noah do?

noah.gif
 
I can't believe this... I just got negative rep for what I posted! Can anyone please explain what I did wrong? Did I say something offensive or derogatory? The only comment on the negative rep was "woman." I don't get that. Why would someone choose to be mean in a thread like this? Please help me understand...
 
shakes20 said:
I can't believe this... I just got negative rep for what I posted! Can anyone please explain what I did wrong? Did I say something offensive or derogatory? The only comment on the negative rep was "woman." I don't get that. Why would someone choose to be mean in a thread like this? Please help me understand...
Click to expand...

Don't take offense to it. They're just anonymous tools who are too afraid to show who they are. Apparently, having complex feelings is a womanly trait that "real men" don't have. Maybe the Cure was right... maybe "Boys don't cry".... :laugh8kb:
 
I see now that a lot of us have had the same kind of relationship with somebody that was really confusing at the time. In my case I was with a girl for 2 years right after I graduated from ISU. It started out great but got real weird before it was over. The biggest thing I remember was thinking it was my fault that something wasn't working out and trying to make up for lost time. Looking back now, I know that I knew in my heart what I wanted to do, but emotions got in the way and overruled what I knew was right in my head at the time. I finally got away from her and, as has been posted here quite a few times, am very happy that it did end even though it truly sucked for awhile. Since, I have met my wife and found out that it doesn't have to be like running a marathon every day to make a relationship work. I now have an awesome wife for over 10 yrs and have 3 awesome daughters and wouldn't trade none of it for nothing else..

I say all that to give credibility to what I stated earlier in the thread. Your emotions can play some wicked games on you when you are in the heat of battle, but your heart will tell you what you need to do, you just have to throw out the emotional side to hear what you know is right inside. And of course praying about it so something not so obvious to you can be revealed to you is always helpful too.

Good Luck
 
cys_av8r said:
Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.
Click to expand...

That is soo money and you don't even know it baby.
 
Last edited:
Sounds to me like you never broke up and you are still together. Call it what you want or what she wants, but you are tied down.

The mind games have to stop.
 
Cyclone62 said:
That's why I'm confused. I just don't feel like I can deal with this kind of confusion anymore, which is why I asked for help; to try and clear it up. You guys have helped a bit, but I don't feel like I can wade through this fog of unclarity anymore. She knows what she wants, she just IS afraid that I'll take her for granted again, which is understandable. I just feel like I'm at my wits end. Wow, that felt really good to write.
Click to expand...

Put the ball in her court. Tell her you want to be with her but don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Tell her it's her move...again that you want to be with her but you aren't going to die without her. Tell her it's up to her to decide what SHE wants.
 
jtd9046 said:
Sounds to me like you never broke up and you are still together. Call it what you want or what she wants, but you are tied down.

The mind games have to stop.
Click to expand...

That's what I've been thinking as well. I think that's why I need to do what I'm planning on doing tonight. Either it's off for good, or it's back on and we can work it out. I'm just really tired of these mind-games.

Why are women so GOOD at these things? And why are men so HORRIBLE at them?
 
Cyclone62 said:
Ok people out there in CF-Land, I need some advice. Well, here goes:
Alright, me and my girlfriend of 3 years started taking time apart from each other about 3 months ago. At first I didn't understand why, but I realized that I had started to take her for granted, that she would always be there with me. So, even though we were broken-up, I started to show how much she does mean to me. I started these things about 3 months ago; sending her cards, a white rose with poems I'd written about her, stuff like that. It's not that I'm "desperate" to keep her, just that I truly love her; and wanted to show her that even though we weren't necessarily together. She told me at the start that she wanted to be able to get back together, back to the way things had used to be before I started taking her for granted. However, it was my intention to better myself for my own sake (I quit smoking and drinking because I wanted to, and this gave me my own reason to; not for someone else).

Recently, she said that she "knows" she wants to get back together; but that was almost three weeks ago. I've been getting conflicting opinions from people about what I should do. She's told me that I should do what I "want to, or feel that I should do." What I want to do, and feel like I should be doing are different things, though. I feel like I should just say "forget it," and that if she doesn't realize that I've become a better person for myself, and can be who I was earlier yet, than she never really will; and that I should just start seeing other women. However, that's not what I want to do; I want to be with her, (her friends are becoming jealous of the things I'm doing for her, and we're not even dating), that's why I feel like I maybe should just "move on," instead of "moving back."

Any advice from you guys? I'm at a total loss of what I should possibly do here.
Click to expand...

What is the reason that you feel you should just forget it? Is it because that she says you should do what you want or feel what you should do? Seems to me that if she knows she wants to get back together, she might just want to make sure that you know you want to get back together.

Someone mentioned that if she's not sure she wants to get together, that you should go your separate ways. Well, if everyone thought like that, no one would be sure they wanted to get together and there would be no relationships. If everyone thought "I am sure I want to be together, as long as the other person is sure", then no one would be together since everyone has the "as long as the other person is sure" exception to their sureness.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Help Support Us

Become a patron
Top Bottom
Back