If you come here just for sports topics, I apologize in advance, but feel free to hit the back button as this is a different sort of post - and lengthy. If somebody finds it offensive, just report it and I'll remove it. If it's too long, I'm sorry.
Since I'm one of the very few members that is NOT anonymous, I was going to post this under a new account. However, I've gotten to understand I am the ****** up person I am so it doesn't matter if my name is attached to it - be proud of who you are. Hell, I was doxxed with house pictures, tax info, etc the 1st or 2nd year of CF and
much worse since. Instead, despite putting more out there about myself than I'd normally like, my hope is maybe a single person somewhere will better understand a loved one, friend or colleague that is challenged and encourage them to seek help if they haven't in the past.
Please understand that while I have to put my story below to convey anything, this isn't a pity party or anything where I'm seeking support. I've had that for 15 years since CF started. This is hopefully to open eyes for somebody else's story to have a good ending and for others to take a chance to tell their story if they so desire.
Most days I wake up dreading the fact that I woke up, but not in the Monday morning work way. Too many times over the years it was predetermined that I wasn't going to, even very recently. Listen to Ghost by Badflower and you'll understand.
Like many people, I suffer from mental health issues - unfortunately something that impacts a lot of people every day.
For me individually, it's a toxic brew of 24/7, chronic anxiety, depression, OCD, and ADHD. I've lived with each forever and each one is it's own beast - together they're a nearly crippling and debilitating pain that I can't begin to describe. Unfortunately, I've been on every conceivable mix of about 30 different medicines - even trials - and they really only take the roughest corners off. Every minute I'm worrying to a near panic attack, doing ruminitions in my head, thinking about problems that need to be solved right now, feeling intense weight on my shoulders, and just hating life.
Because of or as part of my issues, I also have an extreme case of "inner monologue" - where your mind doesn't stop talking and thinking for a second, but magnified with about 4 parallel and intersecting streams. Every conversation I have in a day I play over and over in my mind, second guessing why I did or didn't say something, or how I'm going to handle it, or what about this scenario, etc. It creates a photographic memory, but at a high overhead cost. There is not a second of peace or quiet, it is constant and it's loud - I can be exhausted and literally have my eyes closed on the pillow for 6 hours trying to fall asleep every night to no avail. I thought that's how everybody was wired for the longest time, but I've since understood why people with mental health issues occasionally also have it, and why my wife and I sleep on different floors.
A day at work is filled with solving critical system or process issues, planning, roadmapping, and doing business and technical architecture of varying varieties. But what you don't see is that it's also filled with endless streams of worry, double checking, avoiding social situations when possible, picking up every critical issue to avoid something failing, overcommitting to make people above look good, being exhausted by working 2-3 people worth of work at 70-80 hrs/wk, etc. All because the mind says everybody has to be happy, everything has to be successful, every project needs to get done perfectly, and every plan needs a solution - or else. Everything has a stress point, everything is anxiety, and everything has a consequence. If you truly know how OCD works, you'll understand why it's brutal when mixed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. It's a truly evil bastard.
I'm introverted and you'd never know any of the above by just looking at me or talking with me or working with me day-to-day. I don't have friends, I don't even know the names of my neighbors of 8 years. My phone has my immediate family, current colleagues for work emergencies, and ISU coaches/players/donors whom we know nothing about each other. There are a few others I've met here but I don't return their texts or calls. People ask me to do things and I never respond. I screen all calls, even of people I look up to and respect. I've never been to a party or "gone out for drinks". My mind just won't let me go there - and believe me, I've tried.
I was finally diagnosed with some of the above in my middle school years and the rest as a teenager, though standard Dr had already determined it. It was first very obvious to others when I got hives when invited to watch a movie with some people and then developed ulcers in my throat from the immense stress - I still get them all the time. At the same time I started medicine around age 10-ish, I tried my first therapist. That went on for a while but was finally told therapy just wasn't going to work for me. I've seen 4 or 5 really good doctors over the years and all have said the same thing after a while of intense effort. And it makes sense. Therapy works wonders for some people - and I'd encourage everybody to try it - but more when it comes to getting to understand the why, the how, or the way to handle something, scenarios, etc. There are certain situations or people it just isn't effective on for whatever reason, despite CBT or any other variation, unfortunately.
With that said, I'm a big believer that my challenges are actually what make me very effective and efficient at my profession. I'm the hardest, most dedicated worker you'll find. I can design technical and business solutions incredibly quickly and with great complexity. I can understand things quicker than Fran's face can turn red. It's also, I believe, why I'm a caring and supportive person (though I do play a good jerk online) - but also a helicopter parent. But the good isn't something my brain can focus on and outside of writing that paragraph, I will self deprecate (not defecate) in every conversation about me.
I won't go into details about my children on here other than to say; Every day I feel intense despair seeing my two amazing children show signs and symptoms of many of my issues. They're mini-mes, just with hair and less to process right now. As they age and encounter various firsts, classes, stresses, etc, it gets harder and more painful every single day. I'm here because I need to help them find ways to better handle life than I have. I need to protect and provide them with the tools and ways to cope. They are the single reason I wake up every morning and hope I do for a long time. But, I'd be lying if I made a promise because each day is a battle in a never-ending war. We never know what tomorrow brings.
As you would guess if you've paid attention, I've reread and changed this probably 60 times over the past 4 hours. And, I'll be thinking about it for the next 24 hours second guessing every damn piece of it why I toss and turn wondering why I can't sleep
This is the important part...
While this is part of my story, it is just a starting point, hopefully an opportunity for you or somebody in your life to start the same process I did 30 years ago to seek help. Unfortunately, it will never be a cure. There's no magic pill that makes us all better. Medicine might smooth out the rollercoaster and therapy might work wonders. You have to try everything or you've already failed, and failure only leads one place. I might not be here by the time you get to reading this, but there has to be an attempt.
If you think somebody is struggling - young or old - reach out to them and have an open conversation. Help them when they don't even know they need help. Don't worry about offending somebody. Don't think you're intruding. Be ok that you might open a door you can't close. That's ok if it means at least one person starts the process.
theguillotine.com
